Hiatus.

HIATUS

This isn't the sort of post I'd want to make, but it's one I felt should at least go here. Content warnings for the following blog entry are as follows:

Please, take care of yourselves and your loved ones.

To start off with the day I wrote this entry, April 28th, 2026... I put my childhood dog, Boo, to sleep. She crossed the rainbow bridge at approximately 21:13 on April 27th, and we brought her home to be buried. Her health had been in rapid decline, and within the span of a week she went from a dog with dementia to a dog that was holding onto a thread. She lived to be 15 and a half, which is several years above the average expectancy for her breed. She went surrounded by loved ones.

This, frankly, broke me. We adopted her into our family when I was 10 years old; my younger brother was only 2. She saw us both through high school, and me through my Bachelor's degree. She was there with me through crisis after crisis, and she would always lay by my side to lick my tears through them.

But she's happier now, and that's all I could hope for. She deserves the world, and after 15 and a half years of being my best friend (and the best dog I'll probably ever own), she deserves to rest easy.

The unfortunate thing is I was already at rock bottom when everything deteriorated.

I won't go into specifics, nor would I ever name these individuals, but the long and the short of it is a person I thought I could trust absolutely betrayed it. They continually hurled abuse at me, refused to respect my personal boundaries/triggers, and would guilt trip me into accepting this continual negativity as something normal. The few times I would actually be brave enough to set boundaries, this person would label our disagreements as violent fights, and would air our dirty laundry to God knows how many people. It's an established pattern with this person, and this person would go nuclear on me specifically.

I was banned from every mutual space we shared, and effectively silenced. I admit I didn't handle it well and I said and posted things I regretted (somewhat, anyway), but the damage was done. When I did privately confide in people about the abuse I faced... there were very few who seemed to even believe me.

One mutual friend had my back through thick and thin. One refused to pick sides, because it should have never become a matter of choosing, but respected me enough to hear me out. One began to listen, then fixated on something so specific to the matter that I, frankly, could not see as anything but transphobically intentioned. An acquaintance of ours did stick by me, too, but in a way that I really don't approve of and thus created distance as a result of.

This is on top of the fact that it, albeit briefly, went public on our blogs. The difference is, I received abuse and threats to my life and my fucking dog's, because people knew what was going on behind the scenes. This "friend" did not.

And honestly, it's sad to admit this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I got a lot of flack for saying this, because it was "biased presentation", but the last time something like this happened was when I was in an abusive romantic relationship. The boundary disrespect, the selective information sharing, the friend group that imploded and splintered? Almost exactly.

To be frank? It's given me a very intense wave of suicidality. I've been having intrusive thoughts about graphically ending my life, to the point I get so nauseous and sick with myself I stopped taking care of my physical health. So I'm just kind of in a place right now. A weird, fucked up limbo where I feel so isolated yet so under a spotlight. Every little bit of grief feels like it's under a microscope, ready to be plucked apart and observed until someone makes a conclusion, however true or false it may be. In fact, I would wager that even this would find its way through the rings and onto the examination table. But I just... don't care anymore. I don't. I've said all I can say to people, and it's up to them how they want to take it.

So... For at least a week, I'm vanishing from online circles. I plan to only maintain contact with two, very trusted people who have been at my side through it all. I won't be on social media, I won't be updating this site, nothing. I just... don't want to exist right now, and I think it will be good for me to allow myself to fade in a way that I can come back from. Because if I stayed online and stayed trying to justify myself time and time again?

I would most likely do something irreversible.