March Recap (2025)

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN: March 2025

NOTES: Wow! I stayed consistent; let's talk about it.

It was. A month.

I'll try to keep this entry as positive as I can, but honestly the headspace I was in when I started writing this recap was not great, and it likely hasn't gotten much better as the month went on.

Starting positively, work and volunteering has been going well. My involvement with both has been focused and I've been learning how to balance things a little more.

Or, I was, and then a bunch of interpersonal family drama happened and I've been forced to upend the little bit of balance I had.

Something that always happens with my family is that I, as the oldest child, am expected to have everything in order always. If I don't, then I'm a stupid, lazy bastard who isn't worthy of basic respect. Granted, the latter portion of that statement is a default state; nobody in this house actually respects me as an autonomous being. They see me as some little possession to prop up and tear down as they see fit

Exhibit A: After spending weeks (yes, weeks) trying to convince someone to drive me to the local DMV so I could actually get my ID Card photo updated and have a photo of me as an adult on it... I had to renew it online and stick with the same photo I had when I was 16 because it was too inconvinient for anybody to take 20-30 minutes on a day off to leave the home. Mind you, the day off consisted of nothing but binge drinking. So... priorities, I guess.

Exhibit B: Just a few days before my birthday, my accumulated stress and general immune system caused me to get sicker than a dog. When I'd offhandedly mentioned taking an extra day off so I didn't, like, have a stroke, my mother (as much as I love her) said to me that I was rubbing my flexibility in her face and that it demeaned her efforts to "become a normal person" with this job she'd gotten (9-6 schedule; she has intense social anxiety). So. You know. Being sick and having things out of my control happen to me is... still my fault, I suppose.

And speaking of my birthday, it was decent... and the only day off where my family actually acknowledged I exist. Hooray for social obligations, I guess! I made a blogpost about the day, which you can read HERE.

So shoutout to my chosen family, ILY all.

In more consistent medical news, I'm over a month into taking Opill and I did have a period. It was surprisingly normal; I hardly cramped, I still felt anemic symptoms and bled heavily, but I didn't feel like I was dying nor like I wanted to die (I often get suicidal, but this time I just felt... hormonal, for a lack of better wording). I spotted more, too, which was an odd thing to try and navigate around. But overall, even that's a positive. Another big and noticeable change was libido. A lot of people said it decreased theirs and that they felt more level... Yeah. That was not the case for me. I have had the opposite experience.

Beyond that, it's really just the same shit on different days.

I've had to effectively quit D&D due to this new schedule I'm on; the play hours were too late and the only two days I really could afford staying up later into the night wasn't compatible with most people. At least, beyond Saturday, but that was the night I had with my partner and brother. So given there was an obligation... It just didn't work out with my group.

Likewise, I've been falling out of my hobbies in general. I am so tired by the time I stop my work that I just cannot find joy in anything. Writing and thinking feels like a chore, gif-making is time consuming and I can't multitask on that as much (due to Photoshop devouring my laptop's GPU/CPU/whichever one it is tasks rely on), and gaming just feels boring. The only game I've found inklings of joy in is Animal Crossing, and that's only because there's progression and payoff. It's a longer-term investment, I guess.

I will say, I am excited for the F1 season kicking off. But watch times are gonna be rough due to said schedule. Thank God races are on Sundays.

But once more, I exist. I'm not sure how I feel about it this time around, but it is a state of being that I am in.

See y'all next month.